The sweaty commute to and from work is probably the worst thing about living/working in London and if it’s not the shitty service that will make you want to shove your head in a blender, it’s your fellow passengers thrusting their mucky free newspapers in your face and giving their tired bags a seat whilst you fight for hand space on a grubby rail.
1 – One of the first things they teach you in boxing is keep your stance strong, your head down and your guard up, apply these same rules when approaching any form of London public transport and you can’t go far wrong.
2 – Leave your manners on the platform. Once that tube door opens run like a mother trucker and you might just bag prime standing space by the door where you can feel the delightfully grotty stale air whipping your ears. Rush hour really isn’t the time to be playing Billy Nice Guy and letting everyone else on before you, nuh uh honey.
3 – If you’re sitting in one of the seats at the end of a row there’s a 99.9% chance a pregnant woman will get on at the next stop and you’ll need to give your seat up. Everyone around you will pretend she doesn’t exist so don’t be a dickhead, let her sit down. Also, offer your seat to women in dangerously high heels, trust me, they need it more than you.
4 – Don’t be a backpack wanker. If you have a bag, take it off and put it between your legs. Personal space is already limited and wearing it on your back is the equivalent of sneezing during the Black Plague.
5 – It’s OK to hate tourists who don’t know to use their Oyster cards when you’re in a hurry and need to top up and there’s a million of them huddled around the machines trying to tap into Narnia, TFL should NEVER have got rid of the ticket offices.
6 – Don’t wait for the barriers to close before beeping your Oyster on the reader. Keep it moving people, orange means go go go!
7 – People who hog an entire with their backs are an enemy to us all and deserve to be poked and prodded as you fight for something to hold on to to avoid surfing all over the Northern Line.
8 – Everyone hates pushchairs and massive suitcases at the best of times but those fold-up seats were made for them so if you’re sitting there, move.
9 – There’s always that one person who tries to be all 007 and jump through the doors just before they’re about to close resulting in them getting their bag caught. It’s OK to laugh at them but give them a hand at yanking their bag free as you do so.
10 – Conversations with strangers are limited to after 9pm and only if one or both of you are drunk. You can share the odd tut or eye roll if there’s a delay or you’re suck in a tunnel but other than that, be British and keep yourself to yourself.