The 10 Unwritten Rules Of Surviving London Transport During Rush Hour

The sweaty commute to and from work is probably the worst thing about living/working in London and if it’s not the shitty service that will make you want to shove your head in a blender, it’s your fellow passengers thrusting their mucky free newspapers in your face and giving their tired bags a seat whilst you fight for hand space on a grubby rail.

old woman boxing

1 – One of the first things they teach you in boxing is keep your stance strong, your head down and your guard up, apply these same rules when approaching any form of London public transport and you can’t go far wrong.

2 – Leave your manners on the platform. Once that tube door opens run like a mother trucker and you might just bag prime standing space by the door where you can feel the delightfully grotty stale air whipping your ears. Rush hour really isn’t the time to be playing Billy Nice Guy and letting everyone else on before you, nuh uh honey.

3 – If you’re sitting in one of the seats at the end of a row there’s a 99.9% chance a pregnant woman will get on at the next stop and you’ll need to give your seat up. Everyone around you will pretend she doesn’t exist so don’t be a dickhead, let her sit down. Also, offer your seat to women in dangerously high heels, trust me, they need it more than you.

4 – Don’t be a backpack wanker. If you have a bag, take it off and put it between your legs. Personal space is already limited and wearing it on your back is the equivalent of sneezing during the Black Plague.

5 – It’s OK to hate tourists who don’t know to use their Oyster cards when you’re in a hurry and need to top up and there’s a million of them huddled around the machines trying to tap into Narnia, TFL should NEVER have got rid of the ticket offices.

6 – Don’t wait for the barriers to close before beeping your Oyster on the reader. Keep it moving people, orange means go go go!

7 – People who hog an entire with their backs are an enemy to us all and deserve to be poked and prodded as you fight for something to hold on to to avoid surfing all over the Northern Line.

8 – Everyone hates pushchairs and massive suitcases at the best of times but those fold-up seats were made for them so if you’re sitting there, move.

9 – There’s always that one person who tries to be all 007 and jump through the doors just before they’re about to close resulting in them getting their bag caught. It’s OK to laugh at them but give them a hand at yanking their bag free as you do so.

10 – Conversations with strangers are limited to after 9pm and only if one or both of you are drunk. You can share the odd tut or eye roll if there’s a delay or you’re suck in a tunnel but other than that, be British and keep yourself to yourself.


Belgian chocolate buttholes and 9 other weird Valentine’s Day gifts

Valentine’s Day is so much more than flowers and a fancy dinner which have been done to death and require zero imagination. Spoil your loved one with one of these romantic, albeit, unusual gifts and leave the roses to the suckers.

1 – Belgian chocolate edible anus.  Because nothing says eat my ass like groceries like a chocolate butthole.

£23.95 for 5 boxes from Edible Anus

chocolate anus

2 – Salami Bouquet. Flowers wilt and die but meat is forever… Kinda. Also, this is a sure fire way of letting her know you want her to chow down on some meat.

$50 for 3 stems from Olympic Provisions (or you could make your own for a couple of quid with some Peperami and a bit of tissue paper. Boom.)

salami bouquet

3 – Heart shaped BBQ branding iron. Feel like being a smug bastard and staying home to cook instead of joining the British underclass in their set menu and house wine evening out this Valentine’s Day? Make your partner a steak and seal it with love. This would also come in very handy for Steak & BJ Day.

$24.95 from Texas Irons.

heart shaped

4 – Kanye card. Because who loves Kanye more than Kanye?

I don’t know where this card is from but you can buy a buttload of similar ones from Etsy.

kanye cad5 – Erox body spray. The Sex Panther for women, men will fall at your feet with this on and you won’t have to spend another Valentine’s Day cuddled up with your cats.

$59.95 for 40ml from Erox.


6 – Giant selfie head. If you’re in a long-distance relationship these creepy giant head photos are the next best thing to having you there in person.

$19.99 for a 2 foot giant head from Build a Head.

build a head

7 – Wine handbag. For the classy lady in your life.

£29.99 from Firebox.

wine handbag

8 – Shit bitch bear. Well, you can’t say it’s not original.

£17.99 from Firebox.

shit bitch bear

9 – 3D Big Butt book. The ultimate gift for guys who like big butts and cannot lie.

£24.99 from Firebox.

big butt book

10 – Let’s make out cushion. Give your house a touch of ‘I’m a poncey young trendy type’ by throwing this cushion on your old banger of a sofa and cut to the chase this Valentine’s Day.

$97 from Alexandra Ferguson.

lets make out pillow


£10 and under crap Christmas gift guide for people you don’t really like

I hate Christmas shopping and never know what to buy people as when you’re an adult if you want something, you just go out and buy it and the only things people do genuinely want are way out of your price range (I’m not buying no bish an iPad). After stressing yourself out traipsing round the shops on a drizzly Saturday afternoon you end up with a few generic gift sets from Boots and a new coat, duvet set and perfume for yourself… Or is that just me? Anyway, it’s hard enough buying stuff for people you like, but what about those workplace Secret Santa losers that you would rather see choke on a mince pie than spend a whole fiver on or a family member you heavily dislike but will be seeing at a family do? Have no fear, I’ve put together a £10 and under crap gift guide so all you have to do is match the pleb to the present. Huzzuh.

Gentlemen’s Ballscratcher £8.99

gentlemens ball scratcher

Nothing says suck my balls like a ballscratcher ‘for the busy male executive’. Even comes in a poncey box. Pah.

Poo-Pourri Original Before-You-Go-Bathroom Spray £6.99


This would be the best office Secret Santa gift to someone who stinks up the toilet. ‘More than your standard bathroom air freshener, Poo-Pourri can leave any toilet smelling better than when you found it. Poo-Pourri ensures that whoever follows you in has no idea what you’ve been up to.’ 

Official 2015 Cliff Richard calendar £6.29


Who doesn’t want Sir Cliff’s big, soppy, punchable face beaming at them every day? Previous years have seen him posing with dolphins, rocking out on a bass guitar and even playing basketball in a tight vest. What a douche dude.

Choc-u-lator £1


Imagine their little face light up as they rip it open and see a huge, delicious bar of chocolate… Then watch that smile turn into a snarl as they realise it’s a calculator. Pants.

Stinky candles £8.99

stinky candles

Everyone loves a scented candle, they’re relaxing, comforting and warming in the Winter months… But what if it smells like vomit, body odour, onion, urinal, petrol or fast food? BARF.

Evil Hot Gummi Bears £5.99

evil hot gummi bears

Don’t they look cute, delicious and innocent? Watch the recipient shovel them in by the handful (no-one eats gummi bears one at a time) and quickly realise you’re not their best friend. Flavoured with a Naga-infused kick these little fellas really pack a punch, but if you’re aiming for pain in the butthole you’re better off with these bad boys.

Period Panties £9.99

evil beaver period panties

Perfect for the office bitch who gives you hell for a few days every month, like clockwork. Chose your timing carefully with this one.

The Snot Sucker £8.99

snot sucker

A great gift for a new parent who doesn’t shut up about their kid and the workplace sicknote who is constantly snuffing, sneezing and gargling their germs, much to your delight. You can see all the snot gather in the syringe, yummy.

Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer £4.99

maybe you touched your genitals

We all know that one dude who constantly has his hands down his trousers and smells a bit penisy.

Colour Me Ginger £7.99

colour me good ginger

For the token ginge, we all have one.

21 things to do when you’re feeling sad

kim kardashian crying2

1 – Dance around your room in just your pants to a proper cheesy 90’s playlist. Crank up the Spice Girls, blast S Club 7 and Mmmmbop all over your bed you filthy rascal.

spice girls dancing2 – Put on dramatic, daring make up you would never normally wear and take a tonne of selfies looking fierce as fuck. Upload them to Instagram and revel in all the positive, yet pervy comments.

3 – Have a hot bath, shave your legs and smother yourself in a delicious body lotion and feel like a hot bish.

4 – Scroll through Facebook and look at pictures that made you cringe at the time because you were a drunk hot mess, but look at your smile and how genuinely happy you look because you’re drunk, having a good time and give zero fucks.

beyonce crying5 – Ask yourself, what would Beyonce do if she was sad and then do that thing.

6 – Masturbate whilst watching cartoon porn. It’s both horny and hilarious (so I’ve heard). Also, an orgasm releases endorphins that make you happy so go for several rounds if you want to be smiling until the cows come home.

7 – YouTube videos of kittens being cute.

8 – Find a Nigella recipe for something delicious, go to the shop, buy all the ingredients and make it. Of course, take pictures of your creation for validation on Facebook.

mermaid9 – Watch a Disney film. Bitches love Disney films. It has to be something really cheesy, like The Little Mermaid or Cinderella. Bish, you will go to the ball.

10 – Run down the stairs topless and hold your boobs to feel them jiggle and bounce about. Instant happiness.

11 – Watch Miles Jay’s videos.

12 – Do your nails, pluck your eyebrows, dye your hair etc. and other basic grooming. Just because you feel shitty you don’t need to look shit too.

13 – Buy shoes. The higher the heel the better you’ll feel and spend as much as you want – you’ll be returning them when you feel better.

cats working out14 – Do some exercise. Going to the gym would be your best bet but if you can’t face going outside do some squats, sit ups and lunges.

15 – Tidy up. Cleaning is a great distraction and a tidy home is a tidy mind.

16 – Take a nap or go to bed early. If need be, pop a sleeping pill… Everything is always better in the morning.

17 – Febreze your mattress and change your sheets. Fresh sheets are the best and no one can be sad snuggled up in clean, fresh sheets.

18 – Bake cupcakes. Because cupcakes.


19 – Book tickets to something fabulous with someone you don’t see often. Lastminute offer a range of cheap tickets to comedy nights, give yourself something to look forward to.

kanye west20 – Call your mum and have a good cry, mum’s make everything better, it’s their job.

21 – Remember you are fucking awesome and sometimes it’s OK to be sad.


10 tips for single ladies.



You’re busy with work, you’re still butthurt over an ex, you haven’t got the time to meet people etc. yep, I’ve heard it all from women who badly want a relationship but will make every excuse under the sun as to why they’re cool with being single and why searching for a partner is too much hard work. No one seems to admit to wanting a partner, as a woman you’re made to feel desperate and clingy but being single can be awesome, I know this. I’ve lived this. But sometimes you reach a point where you want someone to go home to, you want someone to share shit with and it’s OK to admit that. You won’t suddenly burst into flames and a rampant midget won’t jump out of the ground and imprint ‘desperate’ on your forehead nor will your vagina suddenly spout a flag emblazoned with ‘I want a baby NOW!’ on it with an arrow pointing to your face. Everyone needs a little love and with the internet at your fingertips bursting at the seams with single men waiting to rip your heart and pants apart it’s easier than ever to find the Jay to your Bey and being drunk in love, instead of well, just drunk.

beyonce single ladies1 – Admit you’re open to meeting someone. Being defensive won’t do you any favours as people will be less hesitant to introduce you to other single friends they have at the risk of having their head bitten off. Plus it’s a dead give away you want a relationship when you get all shitty over happy couples and their PDA’s. You bitter wench.

2 – Go out with other single friends more. Not only does constant socialising with couples make you feel like a spare wheel there’s also less chance of you meeting someone than if you were out with a group of girls plus it will make feel a bit less shit when you hear they’re not getting any either. Oh and you can’t really have an unforgettable night out with a group of loaded, pissed up suits if Suzie and Mike have got to be back home for 10 to put little Timmy to bed. Just make sure your fellow wing women aren’t more attractive than you, or have bigger tits.

3 – Don’t be a stuck up arsehole when guys DO approach you in bars and other social gatherings. I’ve SEEN this happen right in front of me, a decent looking guy has struck up conversation with a (single) friend of mine and to make herself look big and mighty in front us she looked him up and down and rudely rejected his offer of a drink. What a bitch. These women are the reason why men don’t offer to buy women drinks any more and it’s a real shame a guy will stare at you in a bar until the cows come home but only talk to you when he’s stalked you on Facebook to send you a message. Urgh. If you’re genuinely not interested, just say sorry and immediately turn your attention elsewhere but I guess this can open up a whole can of worms regarding the catcalling business but I’m a firm believer in still being polite. One thing that rattles my cage with that video was the way she just ignored everyone that spoke to her, a quick ‘sorry I’m not interested’ would have saved her some drama IMHO but that’s a whole different post.

being single4 – Attend social events for things you really love to meet like-minded people and of course a possible love interest. Websites like Meetup are really good for meeting people you share common ground with and most members of each group are there because they’re single and/or new to the area so it’s a bit of an unwritten rule people are there to date as well as make new friends.

5 – Choose your online dating sites wisely. Sites like Tinder are famous for hook-ups and casual flings and if that’s what you’re after then cool but for something more serious it could be worth investing in a paid site that matches you to people you have things in common with rather than a site that is based purely on looks and how long it would take to jump on the night bus for a booty call. Nice.

6 – The easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Oh yeah, that ol’ chestnut! But it’s true, if you’re hurting over a breakup and you’ll feel like you’ll never meet anyone it’s probably because you’re giving out negative energy and digging yourself further into a rut. Once you go on your first date as a newly single you’ll find meeting people a lot easier and wonder what you were so upset about.

7 – Make a bit of an effort with yourself when out and about because you really don’t know who you’re going to meet when you’re on your way to work, grabbing a sandwich at a poncey artisan coffee shop or going for the burn in the gym. It could be something simple like shaving your legs daily, investing in a gorgeous, well-fitting bra or wearing an item of clothing you usually only reserve for special occasions that makes you feel more confident.

8 – Try something different. Taking a class at the gym is a brilliant way of meeting new people and the ice will already be broken as you’ve probably muttered a few obscenities under your breath as your arms feel like jelly and your kettlebell is wetter than your mum at a Peter Andre concert. You’ll get fit and meet loads of fitties, win-win.

facebook-status-as-single9 – Refresh your social networking profiles to show your single status, a lot of people will check your marital status via an online social networking profile before approaching you, just to be sure you’re not married. Oh and talking of social networking, ladies, keep all those dumb slutty Marilyn Monroe quote pictures OFF of your feeds, if he can’t handle you at your worst you’re probably a cunt.

10 – Go on blind dates, what’s the worst that could happen? Unless your friends are complete wankers you could be missing out on meeting someone amazing, or at least having a funny story to tell at the end of it!

Broke in the city – a guide to being moneyless and fabulous.

Being broke is not fun, I’m currently on a strict budget after moving in to my new place (rent, deposit & bleach… Yeah, I get through a lot of bleach) and being the social butterfly and dirty shopoholic I am it’s all got a bit on top until I next get paid. That’s a month away. A WHOLE MONTH AWAY! Pretty much my whole pay packet bar a few stray pennies went straight back out on the above so I’ve limited to myself to just £100 a week until I’m flossing again next pay day. Now £100 sounds quite a bit but when you think of travel costs, lunch and 2-3 nights out a week it’s going to be pretty tight! Luckily, most of my friends are in the same boat and those who aren’t won’t mind saving a few quid whilst I tighten the purse strings and only let us eat in BYOB restaurants and list my entire life on eBay.

I’ve always been a bit tight (that’s what he said) and most of my shoes were purchased in sales and I refuse to pay more than £1 when I go food shopping, ask my mum, when I lived with her and she picked up something that cost more than £1 I made her put it back. Pound shops are my idea of heaven and I would rather slurp a can of 50p ‘perry‘ than pay £7 for a glass of wine in the theatre/cinema. One of my biggest outgoings seems to be bloody food, oh how I wish I was one of those skinny bitches who could forget to eat lunch or saunter home and be so engrossed in who Spencer is nobbing on MIC I blissfully down a cup a soup as dinner and be fully satisfied. Uh huh honey.

being broke

Fortunately, I know a few tricks of the trade when it comes to being on a budget AND having a social life in one of the most expensive cities in the world and I’ve rounded up a few of my favourite websites that help me stay on track. – I buy ALL my theatre tickets from here! I’m on the mailing list too so I get first pick of special offers and even bigger discounts. I adore the theatre, it’s one of my biggest indulgences and something that gives me incredible enjoyment. I’ve seen a lot of productions this year, inc. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Let The Right One In, Fatal Attraction, Coppelia, Romeo & Juliet, War Horse, 1984, Lion King and Wicked. The tickets that I purchased myself were all ‘cheap seat’ offers that I got for as little as £10. I don’t mind the cheap seats, the view isn’t as great but then you’re saving around £50-80 off the price of sitting in the stalls and if you’re feeling cheeky, you can ask the ticket staff if there’s any chance of an upgrade… If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Don’t be shy about bringing in your own drinks/snacks too, everyone does it and no one gives a shit. Check the theatre layout too to see where you’ll be sitting, if the theatre is small cheap seats aren’t bad at all but for bigger productions they might suck a bit. I wish I had bought more expensive seats for Lion King as we were about 200ft up in the air and had an annoying little posh kid talking the whole way through it but c’est la vie! The theatre and meal deals are pretty awesome too, for Lion King we paid £50 each and got a 2 course meal (with a drink!) at Planet Hollywood and tickets to the show. – I haven’t paid full price for a hair cut/massage/manicure/pedicure/brazilian blow dry/spa break in a good few years now and I’ve found some real gems through Wahanda. I suffer from an ongoing back problem and stumbled upon Will at Hairdressing Station a few weeks ago and for just £18 a session (even less now as I purchased 4 in bulk!) he really gets to work on the knots in my back and leaves me walking out of there a new woman. As broke as I am, I will never look broke and I can’t let my beauty regime slide. I always have my nails polished to perfection, my hair is always healthy and shiny and I feel like beauty treatments are an inexpensive way to make you feel amazing when everything else is going to shit. My recent spa break was another Wahanda find and I’ve also found their customer service (esp. the Twitter team) to be really efficient and quick to respond to any problems. They take a lot of care in choosing who they represent and out of all the treatments I’ve booked through them I’ve always had excellent service and quality. – If I have dinner plans with a friend I’ll always have a quick scan on Groupon to see if there’s any offers in the area we’re looking to head out to and I’m always finding new and exciting offers from full 3 course meals, to cocktails and cooking classes. I’ve been to some amazing restaurants with a Groupon voucher I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to afford to visit and I’ve booked a few beauty treatments with them too. It’s worth signing up for their mailing list as some of the offers have a limit and it’s good to get in there first! I’ve never felt like a voucher customer with them when I’ve been to a restaurant and I’m really keen to check out the gym pass deals and getaways they’re offering. – Similar to Groupon in terms of the variety of deals but Wowcher work on more of a first come first serve basis and when the deal is gone, it’s gone. The business works on a basis that the discount offered can only happen if enough people sign up and the length of time you have to sign up to a deal can vary between days or just a few hours. Every day they feature things you would never think of doing which makes it really exciting if you have a free weekend coming up, from zorbing and indoor sky diving to go kart racing and wine tasting. I’ve booked a few activities through Wowcher including a 6 cocktails for £10 offer at Green Carnation which was AMAZING value for money seeing as most of the cocktails are £9 each! Again they offer beauty treatment, spa breaks, hotels etc. but their main pull is the fun activities. – I absolutely love living in London and every time I find myself in the buzzing city centre there’s always something going on, most of the time for free. Timeout is really good for being on top of all the events, galleries, exhibitions and festivals that are going on that cost nowt. You’ll be surprised at just how many free gigs there are too, mostly from shitty hipster bands you’ve never heard of but still… A free gig is a free gig! The food festivals (mainly in Summer) are well worth checking out if you’re really cheap as a lot of the stalls offer free samples of the vegan horse crap they’re peddling so you can fill up for free saving yourself even more pennies for Red Stripe. One of my favourite ways to spend a lazy day in London is by visiting a gallery or museum (these are mostly free to enter but certain exhibitions charge a small entry fee) and having lunch along the river, which you can either pack yourself OR see what’s around the area and grab a Groupon/Wowcher code for somewhere. – Jack Monroe is bad ass, she’s a thrifty lesbian who can cook and knows how to make her pennies stretch. I find her blog so inspiring, not just for cooking but her whole attitude is awesome, even though she’s now somewhat of a celebrity she’s still pretty tight and understand what it’s really like to live in poverty as she was a struggling single parent who could barely afford to feed herself and heat her home. The recipes are brilliant and really good for those who can’t afford fancy ingredients, Jack truly is a breath of fresh air in the world of food bloggers and ‘celebrity’ chefs. I also adore the fact she’s an experimental cook, much like myself and throws together whatever she has in the house to make something awesome, cheap and flavourful.

Also, supermarket own brand stuff is just as good as the more expensive counterparts and you can steal staples like olive oil etc. off your housemates (they’ll never know) but if you have a concious Jack has made this awesome video on cheap substitutes for fancy ingredients.

I love watching this kind of crap too, a bit extreme but hilarious!


10 essential steps for getting over him

Break ups are never easy, even if you were the one doing the breaking up it’s hard to let go of that ‘I don’t want him but I don’t want anyone else to have him’ mindset that our scatty female brains switch into and with the whole world and it’s mum on social networking sites it feels like you and your shitty love life are firmly in the spotlight when it all goes tits up. If you and your ex-beau were ‘Facebook official’ there’s an option to switch back to ‘single’ without it appearing on your newsfeed for the whole world to see which will keep the creeps and bitches at bay. A key part of the healing process is privacy, those who genuinely give a shit will know what you’re going through and be there to offer support, that weird guy from the gym or Sandra from accounts doesn’t need to know you’ve just had your heart ripped out of your chest and are a bit of a wreck. Broken hearts don’t mend easily, but I’ve been there, done that and got the restraining order (I joke, I joke) but these steps will help you back to your awesome self in no time.

dawson crying

1 – Take him off the pedestal you put him on. This was one of the most memorable pieces of advice I was given after breaking up with my last boyfriend who I thought was the most amazing thing ever to grace this earth. 2 years down the line I can see he’s just your average dude but back then I thought the sun shone straight out of his butthole and I thought I would never meet anyone else that could compare to him. I did. Eventually. This is quite a hard thing to put into practice and the only thing that helps is time (and meeting other dudes who have awesome attributes).

2 – Don’t stalk him on social media. If the break up was bad you’ve probably blocked each other anyone but one of the worst things you can do is follow his every move through his internet persona, which we all know is bullshit. The internet you is completely different from the real you, he’s no different but in your mind all you’ll see is him having the time of his life whilst you’re weeping into your spinach smoothie like a big, fat, hairy loser. Men seem to be better at moving on than us women, and seeing him out partying with his arms around another woman will be like having your heart wrenched out and broken up into a thousand tiny pieces. Again. Also, don’t write any ‘woe is me’ status updates or post sad quote pictures – no one cares and you’ll just look like a bellend.

3 – Cry. Cry like a motherfucker. Don’t be ashamed of calling in on a friend just to get everything off your chest and have a good cry, they’ll be glad they can be there for you and it’s fun listening to someone else slag him off and point out just how much of a prick he is. A good cry can be cleansing for the mind and I’m a firm believer in that most problems don’t feel so bad after a good cry and an early night, everything always seems better in the morning with a clear head.

4 – Change something about your appearance. A new haircut, style of makeup, pedicure or piercing can be a really good pick me up when you’re feeling low and will make you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself and try to keep on top of essential grooming such as shaving your legs and shaping your brows. Try and be pretty every day, like a 2.0 version of yourself because not only will it make you feel better, you’ll be showing the world you’re not falling apart and you never know just who you might bump into…

5 – Hit the gym and enrol in a few classes you haven’t tried before. Kick some ass in the boxing ring or give your deadbeat vagina a new lease of life in a spin class. You’ll meet new people, learn new skills and tone up bits of your body that haven’t had a look in before. It won’t be long before you have to get naked in front of someone that hasn’t seen your gunt yet and you want it looking its best, don’t you?

6 – Say yes to every social invite even though every fibre of your being is telling the whole world to fuck off so you can hide under your duvet. Even if it’s not something you’re really that interested in, just go because moping around at home won’t do you any good. Being burnt out from doing too much is much better than being burnt out from sitting at home crying into one of your dimly lit meals for one.

7 – Do something that scares you. A break up can cause a sort of emotionally numb feeling which can make you fearless and carefree and it’s now you need to use this new found love of giving zero fucks to do something you’ve always wanted, but been too scared to. Always wanted to ride a motorbike, do a Tough Mudder run or jump out of a plane? Now’s the time because after all, what doesn’t challenge you doesn’t change you. A new challenge will also give you something to focus on, talk about and you’ll probably meet a whole bunch of awesome new people. You strong woman you.

8 – Throw out everything that reminds you of him, or if there are some things you can’t bear to part with or you know you’ll regret parting with later on, stick them up in the loft or store them at a friends house. Out of sight out of mind. If you are in possession of anything that’s his, arrange something with a mutual friend to get it all back to him ASAP and however tempting is would be to destroy his belongings… Don’t.

9 – Unless you really have to, avoid contact with him. Whilst you’re hurting, the last thing you need is the ‘let’s be friends’ bullshit which might be something you can explore down the line (if you have mutual friends, for example) but right now you don’t need to know how he is or how his day has been.

10 – Go on holiday. Travel is the only thing that you can spend money on that will make you richer and a trip to a faraway land is the closest thing you’ll get to a break from life when your world has been turned upside down. You’ll meet new, amazing people, discover places you didn’t know existed and find something in yourself you didn’t know was there.

Keep calm, carry on and keep it off Facebook.


10 things they don’t tell you about house sharing.

Like most people in the 21-30 age bracket who live in a big city and favour alcohol and shoes over mortgages and savings accounts, I live in a house share. Whilst it’s not my first choice of accommodation, until I earn double what I’m on now or pop out a kid and throw myself on the mercy of the council (don’t do that) this is as good as it gets for now. The Office for National Statistics states ‘In 2013, over 3.3 million adults in the UK aged between 20 and 34 were living with a parent or parents. That is 26% of this age group.’ Shocking? Read more here. I truly understand why people choose to live with their parents well into their thirties, entering the world of independent living is exhilarating but the expense, responsibility and frustration of living with strangers is not something you account for in the excitement of having your very own 70 sq. foot kingdom.

With websites such as Spareroom and Easy Roommate bursting with fun, quirky ads promising your dream living space making it sound like some sort of awesome adventure, the reality is somewhat different as you’re faced with constant mould, bullshit and weirdos.

1 – Finding something half decent is a full time job. You’ll trawl through hundreds of ads only to discover your ‘perfect’ flat is on a big crack fuelled council estate, nothing like the pictures or just a big fat pile of disappointment. Finding a flat share is a lot like dating, even when you’ve found ‘the one’ you’ll probably get rejected and have to start the whole process again. Soz.

2 – There’s a 99% chance your landlord will be a dick. Whole of South London had sex on your bed and now the mattress is FUBAR and causing you back pain? He doesn’t care. House crawling alive with ants because your housemates are dirty bastards who don’t clean up after themselves? He doesn’t care. Boiler broken causing you to wash your hair in freezing cold water? Guess what, he doesn’t care. But be more than a few hours late with your rent that month and he’ll be all up in your tits like the bone that pops out of a cheap bra. If you have a good landlord, worship him. Worship him good and you’ll probably get a few months rent free – top tip.

3 – At least one of your housemates will be a dick. Plates constantly piled up in the sink, mess and crap everywhere, loud music playing at all hours of the night, mid-week parties, their weird, drunk friends waking up on your sofa most mornings, hair down the plughole, and giant floaters in the communal bathroom. There’s always one and they never take out the bin.

dirty kitchen

4 – You’ll turn into your mother within 24 hours. All those times your mum bitched at you to not leave crumbs on the side, to clean up after yourself, not leave dirty dishes in the sink and to plump the pillows? You thought she was batshit crazy and overly houseproud… Nope, those are just the basics and you’ll be bitching at your housemates for the exact same things.

5 – You can’t really make anything your own. Your dick landlord will probably have strict rules in place about you not being able to make holes in the wall and if you accepted the room as fully furnished you’re stuck with that fugly sofa and dodgy bedside lamp that came straight out of Guest House Paradiso. 

6 – If you’re lucky you’ll be allocated your own shelf in the fridge and freezer and if you’re really lucky you’ll get your very own cupboard. All sounds very civilized but one day you’ll come home from work with an intense craving for those Sainsbury’s Basics chicken nuggets you bought with the last dregs of your pay packet only to pull out a bag of ice crystals and breadcrumbs. Apparently it’s an unwritten rule that washing power and milk are a free for all and get delivered by the washing powder and milk fairy.

7 – The kitchen will almost always be too filthy for you to cook in so you’ll eat on your bed most of the time. Your housemates will use every pot, pan, plate and cup so even if you want to cook some Supernoodles you’ll have to wash something up. You grit your teeth and do it the first 5 times but after that you’ll want to kill someone and refuse to do it any more, you’ll either starve out of principal or order something from Just Eat if you’re feeling flush.

8 – You’ll become all too familiar with the bowel movements of your roommates as you all fall into a bathroom routine and playing the delightful game of spot the skidmark as you brush your teeth will become the highlight of your morning. Fun times.

9 – Your housemates will shaft you with the rent and bill splits any way they can. If your home is being rented out as a whole unit and not room by room, the current housemates can divide up the rent so you’re paying more than them. Sneaky bastards. Also, in a lot of houseshares there’s 1 person who pays all the bills/rent and you pay them… This means you have no idea just how much the bills are and they can pocket the rest.

10 – …but some of your housemates will turn into lifelong friends who will see you through the dark days, share your hangovers, sync with your cycle and be there at the end of a long day with a glass of cheap wine. They’ll eat your disgusting attempts at a Jamie Oliver 15 minute meal and join you on many a drunken impromptu escapade, such as chasing someone down the road with a screwdriver after they piss through your letterbox and you’ll wonder where they’ve been all your life.

Beer in brugge

It’s not all bad, I promise.