doge christmas
Aside

£10 and under crap Christmas gift guide for people you don’t really like

I hate Christmas shopping and never know what to buy people as when you’re an adult if you want something, you just go out and buy it and the only things people do genuinely want are way out of your price range (I’m not buying no bish an iPad). After stressing yourself out traipsing round the shops on a drizzly Saturday afternoon you end up with a few generic gift sets from Boots and a new coat, duvet set and perfume for yourself… Or is that just me? Anyway, it’s hard enough buying stuff for people you like, but what about those workplace Secret Santa losers that you would rather see choke on a mince pie than spend a whole fiver on or a family member you heavily dislike but will be seeing at a family do? Have no fear, I’ve put together a £10 and under crap gift guide so all you have to do is match the pleb to the present. Huzzuh.

Gentlemen’s Ballscratcher £8.99

gentlemens ball scratcher

Nothing says suck my balls like a ballscratcher ‘for the busy male executive’. Even comes in a poncey box. Pah.

Poo-Pourri Original Before-You-Go-Bathroom Spray £6.99

poo-pourri

This would be the best office Secret Santa gift to someone who stinks up the toilet. ‘More than your standard bathroom air freshener, Poo-Pourri can leave any toilet smelling better than when you found it. Poo-Pourri ensures that whoever follows you in has no idea what you’ve been up to.’ 

Official 2015 Cliff Richard calendar £6.29

Cliff-Richard-calender

Who doesn’t want Sir Cliff’s big, soppy, punchable face beaming at them every day? Previous years have seen him posing with dolphins, rocking out on a bass guitar and even playing basketball in a tight vest. What a douche dude.

Choc-u-lator £1

choculator

Imagine their little face light up as they rip it open and see a huge, delicious bar of chocolate… Then watch that smile turn into a snarl as they realise it’s a calculator. Pants.

Stinky candles £8.99

stinky candles

Everyone loves a scented candle, they’re relaxing, comforting and warming in the Winter months… But what if it smells like vomit, body odour, onion, urinal, petrol or fast food? BARF.

Evil Hot Gummi Bears £5.99

evil hot gummi bears

Don’t they look cute, delicious and innocent? Watch the recipient shovel them in by the handful (no-one eats gummi bears one at a time) and quickly realise you’re not their best friend. Flavoured with a Naga-infused kick these little fellas really pack a punch, but if you’re aiming for pain in the butthole you’re better off with these bad boys.

Period Panties £9.99

evil beaver period panties

Perfect for the office bitch who gives you hell for a few days every month, like clockwork. Chose your timing carefully with this one.

The Snot Sucker £8.99

snot sucker

A great gift for a new parent who doesn’t shut up about their kid and the workplace sicknote who is constantly snuffing, sneezing and gargling their germs, much to your delight. You can see all the snot gather in the syringe, yummy.

Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer £4.99

maybe you touched your genitals

We all know that one dude who constantly has his hands down his trousers and smells a bit penisy.

Colour Me Ginger £7.99

colour me good ginger

For the token ginge, we all have one.

rihanna rogue

Smell like a sexy bon bon with Rihanna’s Rogue EDP

rihanna rogue

I bloody love Rihanna. I love her music (don’t act like you haven’t done the gun-finger-windy-leg-dance) when Rude Boy comes on the radio, she’s impossible not to dance to with sexy lyrics that teeter on the right side of slutty. I love her style, her tattoos and most of all her attitude. She genuinely doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of her and being in the spotlight I can’t even begin to imagine how tough that must be what with having people telling you how to look and act all the time. Her tweet replies to trolls are HILARIOUS and her Instagram is always buzzing with something outrageous but I totally get how people dislike her and that’s fine, you lemme know how that haterade tastes!

Whilst I generally avoid sleb fragrances I do have a few that I keep on rotation as they’re usually really cheap, especially on eBay. I adore Sarah Jessica Parker’s Lovely as it’s fresh, inoffensive and does smell really good. It’s usually under £20 for a huge bottle so I like to keep a bottle for spritzing when I’m not doing anything special or just for work, I even use it for spraying my clothes with as they’re drying. I also like J-Lo’s Glow as it’s a baby powder musk that smells really clean and comforting, again can be found really cheap and is easy to wear. I tend to avoid sweet scents as they give me an instant headache, for example Dior’s Miss Dior makes me physically gag but I know it’s a firm favourite for many! For me to like a sweet scent it has to be amazing and in my opinion Rogue has a masculine edge which saves it from being another generic sickly sweet fragrance churned out by the big boys.

rihanna-rogue-1With a base of vanilla and musk that gives the fragrance some serious longevity the strong amber note is cut with a subtle feminine edge that will have you constantly sniffing at your wrist. I loved this scent from the very first spray, the first burst of intoxicating sugary sweetness quickly gives way to a masculine note that makes the fragrance really interesting, think David Gandy covered in Skittles and that’s what Rogue smells like. With notes including lemon blossom, jasmine, rose, soft plum, bergamot, pink peppercorn, cyclamen, suede, patchouli and vanilla, amber and musk as already mentioned this is definitely not a barely-there-scent, it practically screams to be worn with a berry lip and a pair of patent heels. Fuck yeah.

rihanna rogue bottleRogue has been compared to Gucci Rush which is another fragrance I love but again has a huge divide of people who love it and people who would rather slap their mother than wear it and Tulisa’s Female Boss which I haven’t, and don’t want to smell because Tulisa is a penis. Described as a ‘Flirty, Sensual Oriental’ Rogue is definitely aimed at a younger market (I can’t imagine a stylish 40-yea-old woman wearing it tbh) but to me it’s different enough for me to embrace a sweeter scent in my collection and the sexy, square bottle makes it look a lot more expensive than it is.

I got mine from Superdrug on special offer, £21 for the huge 125ml but it’s floating around on eBay for roughly the same price.

blue ice cream

My desert island make up bag

Summer was a bummer. Even though it’s over, you would think us Brits would be used to the wet and this horrid rain by now but every year without fail we get a washout of a Summer and take to social media to play who can turn the heating on the earliest. I won, BTW. With the current washout my partner and I were desperate to feel the sun on our skin one last time and booked a last minute trip to the gorgeous sandy beaches of Alanya, Turkey. blue ice creamI found the deal on Teletext Holidays and as always, I checked TripAdvisor and it all seems to be looking pretty sweet. I thoroughly recommend checking your hotel/resort/beaches/local area etc. on TripAdvisor before heading ANYWHERE as you can be sold a thousand dreams with decent photographs and some slick, well written blurbs. We got a pretty good deal, full board including transfers and baggage etc. for just £340 each! I’ve been to Istanbul a few times as I have some Turkish family members but hadn’t been to a beach resort yet so was keen to see what Alanya had to offer when we jetted off on the 28th September. Unfortunately we didn’t have the best time, we found it dirty and unsafe, especially at night! The beach was beautiful and the weather was amazing but the general vibe of the place didn’t leave us feeling like we would ever come back.

desert island make up bag

Trying to keep costs low we only took 1 suitcase so that meant having to downsize my usual 10 tonne luggage to just essentials and things I will actually wear/use and not just take for the sake of it (which I have a really bad habit of doing…) so whilst it’s not really a desert island, Turkey has sand and I was limited in what I could take so it’s the same thing, innit.

Superdrug Essentials Facial Cleansing Wipes For Combination Skin. The moistest face wipes in the world! Well, next to the uber moist MAC ones which you need to take out a mortgage to keep yourself in regular supply of. These bargain face wipes take off EVERYTHING, including waterproof mascara and the crap load of base I wear. I’ve been re-purchasing these over and over, I can’t recommend them highly enough!

99p for 25 wipes.

sudocrem and dove deodorantSudocrem. A really good multi-use product that can be used for sunburn, spots, bug bites and erm… a sore butt. I don’t go anywhere without this, I usually travel with the small tube but duty free didn’t have it in stock so I had to buy another pot which is no bad thing as it will definitely get used up. Good if you get pesky shaving bumps around your lady parts too…

£5.99 for a 400g tub

Dove compressed Go Fresh Pomegranate & Lemon Verbena Anti-Perspirant Deodorant. I absolutely LOVE the smell of this! Really fresh and uplifting, perfect if you know you’re going to be getting hot and sweaty as it keeps you dry, smelling sweet and doesn’t irritate as some heavily perfumed deodorants can. The 75ml compressed version is perfect for popping in your hand luggage too if you’re going away.

£2.99 for 75ml

Blistex Intensive Moisturiser Hydrating Lip Cream SPF10. I carry this about with me everywhere I go, it’s the only lip balm that really soothes and moisturises my lips especially when left on overnight. I also love the fact it has SPF10 to keep my lips from getting burnt. Haev you ever had sunburnt lips? It’s not fun! It’s creamy enough to wear under a matte lipstick too, I’ve re-purchased this more times than I can remember and keep one at my desk, at my partner’s and in my bag.

£2.63 for a 5g tube

dove hair mask and loccitane repairing oilDove Advanced Hair Series Pure Care Oil Treatment Mask. Possibly the best hair mask on the high street, my hair is naturally a dry, frizzy unmanageable mess and this really helps to tame it and keep me from looking like Worzel Gummidge in lipstick. I use this in place of a regular conditioner as my hair is so dry and I also use it to tie my hair back if we were going in the sea/pool to help protect it a bit from all the chemicals and salt water. When I rinsed it out at the end of the day my hair was soft and shiny, for the price you really can’t complain and I’ve repurchased it twice since.

£6.99 for a 200ml tub

L’Occitane Repairing Oil. In honesty I took this as I was trying to use it up and didn’t care how much I was using as I tend to get through my beloved Morrocconoil at lightening speed and that stuff costs a pretty penny! The repairing oil doesn’t do as good a job as Morrocconoil in my opinion as my hair is pretty hard to manage and for the price tag, and being L’Occitane I was expecting to love it as there’s not much from the brand I dislike. It’s OK for a basic serum but there are definitely a lot better out there for a lot less money! Oh, and it smells like bad breath.

£20.00 for 100ml

The Vintage Cosmetic Company tweezers. I couldn’t go anywhere without tweezers, you never know when you need to pluck out a stray moustache hair! My hair grows SUPER fast, and not just the hair on my head, my legs, eyebrows etc. miraculously sprout a wild bush overnight and I have to pluck something at least once a day to avoid looking like a woolly mammoth. Fun times. These look pretty and they do a damn good job of getting those tiny hairs that feel like spikes when you run your finger over them.

£8.00

bach rescue pastillesBach Rescue Pastilles. So let me tell you a funny story, I freaked out when I realised we were going to be just 400 miles from the Syrian border and was terrified our plane was going to be hijacked and I was going to get my head cut off by Jihadi John. I never usually have a problem flying but I felt quite unsettled at the airport and grabbed these in duty free. I think they’re more of a placebo as I didn’t physically feel any different but I got through the flight without causing a scene and they taste pretty good. Not sure I’d buy them again, I just won’t be going back to Turkey any time soon…

£4.69 for a 50g tin

Garnier Ambre Solaire BB Sun Face Protection SPF30. I really like BB creams, even though it took me quite a while to fully get into them I don’t think I could go back to using just a foundation again. This one is OK, it’s not the best as the coverage isn’t great and it can get a bit greasy but for a week in the sun it’s all you need. I’m fair skinned and burn easily so I like to smother my face in sun protection, I also like the Clinique City Block but it’s quite pricey and I feel the Ambre Solaire one is fairly similar in terms of coverage.

£16 for 30ml

sleek blush by 3 palette in laceBenefit They’re Real! Mascara. I have a serious love/hate for this product as it really does deliver on it’s claims to give your lashes length and volume whilst not looking like false lashes but definitely giving them real definition. I love the packaging, the wand and the formula and bonus points as it lasted all day even though I went in the sea with it on like a doughnut and several waves went over my head! It didn’t smudge, flake or irritate my eyes but came off easily with a face wipe, basically everything you could want in a mascara… BUT it’s very expensive, I wear make up every day and get through quite a bit of mascara and forking out £19.50 a time really doesn’t sit well with me. Not to mention a tube only lasts around a month as it dries out so quick! I’m not loving Benefit as a brand at the moment either due to the disappointing beauty calendar. Hmmm.

£19.50, YES £19 bloody 50 for 8.5g

Sleek Blush By 3 in Lace. I LOVE Sleek blushers, for the price they’re amazing. Really highly pigmented, smooth and in a range of flattering shades that are dupes of more expensive brands. I’ve had this one for ages and I’ve hit pan on the coral as you can see by the pic, for my fair skin it gives me a ‘just in from the cold’ flush that I wear most days. The middle shade is a lot like NARS Orgasm and the orange shade also looks great on the apples of my cheeks when I’ve applied an all over matte bronzer. I had a bit of beef with Sleek when they first came on the scene over something on Facebook, I can’t quite remember what I think it was their servers not being able to handle a 50% off sale? I remember their social media staff being a bit pants and that did put me off… Brand image is SO important to me but I do love their blushers.

£9.99 for 20g

kim-kardashian-crying2

21 things to do when you’re feeling sad

kim kardashian crying2

1 – Dance around your room in just your pants to a proper cheesy 90’s playlist. Crank up the Spice Girls, blast S Club 7 and Mmmmbop all over your bed you filthy rascal.

spice girls dancing2 – Put on dramatic, daring make up you would never normally wear and take a tonne of selfies looking fierce as fuck. Upload them to Instagram and revel in all the positive, yet pervy comments.

3 – Have a hot bath, shave your legs and smother yourself in a delicious body lotion and feel like a hot bish.

4 – Scroll through Facebook and look at pictures that made you cringe at the time because you were a drunk hot mess, but look at your smile and how genuinely happy you look because you’re drunk, having a good time and give zero fucks.

beyonce crying5 – Ask yourself, what would Beyonce do if she was sad and then do that thing.

6 – Masturbate whilst watching cartoon porn. It’s both horny and hilarious (so I’ve heard). Also, an orgasm releases endorphins that make you happy so go for several rounds if you want to be smiling until the cows come home.

7 – YouTube videos of kittens being cute.

8 – Find a Nigella recipe for something delicious, go to the shop, buy all the ingredients and make it. Of course, take pictures of your creation for validation on Facebook.

mermaid9 – Watch a Disney film. Bitches love Disney films. It has to be something really cheesy, like The Little Mermaid or Cinderella. Bish, you will go to the ball.

10 – Run down the stairs topless and hold your boobs to feel them jiggle and bounce about. Instant happiness.

11 – Watch Miles Jay’s videos.

12 – Do your nails, pluck your eyebrows, dye your hair etc. and other basic grooming. Just because you feel shitty you don’t need to look shit too.

13 – Buy shoes. The higher the heel the better you’ll feel and spend as much as you want – you’ll be returning them when you feel better.

cats working out14 – Do some exercise. Going to the gym would be your best bet but if you can’t face going outside do some squats, sit ups and lunges.

15 – Tidy up. Cleaning is a great distraction and a tidy home is a tidy mind.

16 – Take a nap or go to bed early. If need be, pop a sleeping pill… Everything is always better in the morning.

17 – Febreze your mattress and change your sheets. Fresh sheets are the best and no one can be sad snuggled up in clean, fresh sheets.

18 – Bake cupcakes. Because cupcakes.

cupcake

19 – Book tickets to something fabulous with someone you don’t see often. Lastminute offer a range of cheap tickets to comedy nights, give yourself something to look forward to.

kanye west20 – Call your mum and have a good cry, mum’s make everything better, it’s their job.

21 – Remember you are fucking awesome and sometimes it’s OK to be sad.