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£10 and under crap Christmas gift guide for people you don’t really like

I hate Christmas shopping and never know what to buy people as when you’re an adult if you want something, you just go out and buy it and the only things people do genuinely want are way out of your price range (I’m not buying no bish an iPad). After stressing yourself out traipsing round the shops on a drizzly Saturday afternoon you end up with a few generic gift sets from Boots and a new coat, duvet set and perfume for yourself… Or is that just me? Anyway, it’s hard enough buying stuff for people you like, but what about those workplace Secret Santa losers that you would rather see choke on a mince pie than spend a whole fiver on or a family member you heavily dislike but will be seeing at a family do? Have no fear, I’ve put together a £10 and under crap gift guide so all you have to do is match the pleb to the present. Huzzuh.

Gentlemen’s Ballscratcher £8.99

gentlemens ball scratcher

Nothing says suck my balls like a ballscratcher ‘for the busy male executive’. Even comes in a poncey box. Pah.

Poo-Pourri Original Before-You-Go-Bathroom Spray £6.99

poo-pourri

This would be the best office Secret Santa gift to someone who stinks up the toilet. ‘More than your standard bathroom air freshener, Poo-Pourri can leave any toilet smelling better than when you found it. Poo-Pourri ensures that whoever follows you in has no idea what you’ve been up to.’ 

Official 2015 Cliff Richard calendar £6.29

Cliff-Richard-calender

Who doesn’t want Sir Cliff’s big, soppy, punchable face beaming at them every day? Previous years have seen him posing with dolphins, rocking out on a bass guitar and even playing basketball in a tight vest. What a douche dude.

Choc-u-lator £1

choculator

Imagine their little face light up as they rip it open and see a huge, delicious bar of chocolate… Then watch that smile turn into a snarl as they realise it’s a calculator. Pants.

Stinky candles £8.99

stinky candles

Everyone loves a scented candle, they’re relaxing, comforting and warming in the Winter months… But what if it smells like vomit, body odour, onion, urinal, petrol or fast food? BARF.

Evil Hot Gummi Bears £5.99

evil hot gummi bears

Don’t they look cute, delicious and innocent? Watch the recipient shovel them in by the handful (no-one eats gummi bears one at a time) and quickly realise you’re not their best friend. Flavoured with a Naga-infused kick these little fellas really pack a punch, but if you’re aiming for pain in the butthole you’re better off with these bad boys.

Period Panties £9.99

evil beaver period panties

Perfect for the office bitch who gives you hell for a few days every month, like clockwork. Chose your timing carefully with this one.

The Snot Sucker £8.99

snot sucker

A great gift for a new parent who doesn’t shut up about their kid and the workplace sicknote who is constantly snuffing, sneezing and gargling their germs, much to your delight. You can see all the snot gather in the syringe, yummy.

Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer £4.99

maybe you touched your genitals

We all know that one dude who constantly has his hands down his trousers and smells a bit penisy.

Colour Me Ginger £7.99

colour me good ginger

For the token ginge, we all have one.

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